Learning, Re-Learning, and Re-Re-Learning

Butterflies are alive and well in my stomach, guys. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're devouring my intestinal tract.

 

Right at this very moment I'm sitting in the Portland airport, and in little less than an hour, my mom and I will be aboard a red-eye flight to Chicago, where I will be attending school for the next three-and-a-half years.

I still have difficulty believing this is really happening; it's so far outside my comfort zone and so contrary to everything I've ever planned education-wise. I've always been studious, and for as long as I can remember, I planned to attend college as soon as I finished high school. In fact, my plan right now is really not my plan at all. Thanks to a dual-enrollment program, I graduated high school in June 2013 with my high school diploma and my associate's degree. I was enrolled in a state university with a nationally acclaimed journalism program. My associate's degree would transfer fully, and I would earn my bachelor's degree in two years.

But then in the spring of my senior year I began to feel unsettled, and after visiting the school I'd enrolled in, I felt physically ill from anxiety at the thought of attending there. I lacked the Lord's peace about my decision.

But I pressed on.

And then in March of that year I received my financial aid award, and there was no way I could afford to attend the college in which I'd already enrolled. Frantically, I canceled my enrollment and applied to three local Christian schools. I was admitted, but I'd missed the deadlines for the greatest scholarships. I couldn't afford to attend school in fall 2013. I prayed about it, talked with my parents and close friends, and in the end I decided to take a gap year. Although a major deviation from what I'd always planned and wanted, it made sense financially; I also felt peace about my decision, this time.

Although I've been out of school for more than a year now, it's been a year filled with learning and discovery.

God's revealed to me my identity, secure in Him.

He gave me the opportunity to work with high school girls and the youth worship team at my church, one of the most fun and meaningful experiences I've ever had.

He re-directed my career goals and re-shaped my heart and priorities to more accurately align with His plans for my life.

He's answered my prayers seeking His will in where I should attend college. After 11 college applications, 11 acceptances, 5 school visits, and prayers and tears and doubts too numerous to count, God has led me to the one school I didn't apply to (until after the deadline in March). It's also the school in one of the only cities in which I said I would never live, the only school at which I'll be pursuing a career that I said I would never pursue, the only school that won't accept more than one semester of my transfer credits, the only school where my admittance wasn't based on academic merit.

Not having a plan – or rather, not having my plan – typically causes me to panic. Any kind of change, however insignificant, throws me into a tailspin of worry and fear. My stomach burns, my shoulders tense, my hands get cold and clammy. This transition has been different though in that, to my continual astonishment, I haven't panicked yet. God is so faithful to grant us His peace that surpasses understanding and comprehension when we are walking in His will. And walking in His will is such an exciting place to be, friends!

This year God's taught me how to truly place my trust in Him. It's a lesson I've learned, re-learned, and re-re-learned this year, and I'm still learning it. Even now as I wait to board, my cheeks are still damp with tears from saying goodbyes to friends and family; fear whispers at the corners of my mind and threatens to overwhelm me; my flight is an hour late. However, I am choosing to trust in the Lord to provide for my needs and go before me to Chicago. It helps me to write to you all about the practical characteristics of trust God's been revealing to me this year. A few of them follow:

• Trust is not a feeling. It's a choice, in spite of our feelings, to believe that God is good, and His plans are always for our good and His glory.
• Trust often goes hand-in-hand with grace. I rely heavily on my feelings and intuition to make decisions. For that reason, choosing to trust is not something that comes naturally to me. God is so gracious with me though; He knows that I am dust and that, although I struggle, I love Him and want to trust Him.
• When we are trusting while we wait for Him to provide answers and meet our needs, it's important that we continue to actively seek Him and actively wait. By “actively wait,” I really mean “live.” I find it all too easy to grow despondent and discouraged while I'm waiting, and I start to tell myself lies like, “Once such-and-such happens, life will really start again,” and “When I get there, I can be happy again.” Much of life, however, is spent waiting on something, and we need to seek God, seek His will, and invest well in relationships with others no matter what life stage we're inhabiting.
• Like grace, gratitude is a close relative of trust, except that while grace is God's gift to us, gratitude is our response to Him. When I take note of taken-for-granted things and consciously thank God for them, it's incredible how much abler I am to recognize that I do nothing on my own, and how much abler I am to trust and rely on God's strength instead of my own.

Praise God who completes us at our weakest, accepts us in our doubt, and loves us at our darkest!

The butterflies in my stomach have partnered with my feelings and emotions and are currently wreaking havoc on my heart, friends. I am already missing those of you I said goodbye to in Vancouver. Simultaneously, I am so excited to make new friends and start a new education and adventure in Chicago! If you think of it, please pray that I would continue to trust God in this transition.

We're about to board. Gulp. See you on the flip side, Washington!

Lindsey-Renee