Salutations!
I've struggled on and off for the past
year-and-a-half over the decision to take up blogging. I really enjoy
reading blogs, you see, especially blogs whose authors detail their
day-to-day existence and share about the things God is teaching them.
With so many wise bloggers and fabulous blogs out there, though, I've
worried that one written by me would be less than enjoyable for
people to read, less than memorable, less wise, barely
thought-provoking, rarely humorous.
So what's caused me to change my mind?
Well, God's been teaching me a few
things this year. And by “teaching,” I mean I feel like my heart
is a home that's been desperately in need of a remodel, and God's the
All-in-One Handyman who's been knocking down walls, stripping paint
and mildew and grime, tearing up the plumbing, opening up the
floor-plan. My heart's been feeling naked and vulnerable, and more
than once I've groaned and cried as my eyes have been opened anew to
my need for a Savior. Though I am young, I've been walking with Jesus
for many years now, but He's always doing a new work in me,
continually reconstructing me to be more of the woman He's designed
me to be and to ultimately look more like Him.
All this to say, one of the things He's
revealed to me this year, as He's torn down my heart and begun to
reconstruct it to more accurately reflect His, is that the worries
I've felt about beginning a blog are actually not isolated to
blogging. I worry all the
time, friends, and that's really not an exaggeration. Much of this is
because I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes, this translates into some of
my greatest strengths: I'm a hard worker, I devote my best effort to
every endeavor, and I'm driven. However, I am also terrified of
failure. Those of you who have read the Harry Potter series can
understand me as Hermione Granger; one of the reasons I enjoy that
series so much is because I feel so understood when I read about
Hermione.
(Note: I promise this will tie back
to blogging eventually! I'm a woman of many words).
For
those of you who haven't read Harry Potter, know that for most of my
life I've striven for 100 percent perfection in every area of my
life, often to my own physical and mental detriment. I've never
expected perfection from others by any means, but I've sought perfect
grades in school, exemplary work in my job, peace in all my
relationships. Historically, my fear of failure has worked
hand-in-hand with a concern for how others will perceive me. I've
lived most of my life feeling everyday physically unattractive,
mentally undesirable, totally unloveable.
But over the last
three years, God's been revealing, one by one, each of these lies
I've been listening to and, one by one, replacing them with His
truth. This year has been filled with hardship and struggle, but
beyond all that it's been overwhelmingly FULL of God's goodness and
blessings. The construction in my heart that has left me feeling
vulnerable has also left me feeling freer and more at peace than I
can remember ever feeling. I praise God who makes broken things
beautiful, and thank Jesus who sets me free indeed!
Until recently,
I've felt unprepared and unequipped to share what I've been learning
with you all, except with a few of you individually. However, I've
been remembering lately that Jesus chose uneducated fishermen and
socially despised tax collectors to be some of His closest friends
and chosen messengers of the Gospel. He worked through them to
further His Kingdom, and He can work through me, too. So that's why
I've decided to blog. If I continue to be inhibited to speak what's
on my heart because of the fear of failing and having people think
less of me, then I am ultimately valuing the opinion of humans more
than the opinion of God. That's idolatry, and I refuse to practice it
anymore.
In the coming
months, I'd like to share a little bit with you about what God's been
teaching me about waiting, pride, ministry, preparation, priorities,
relationships, fear, control, worry and letting go, fatigue and rest,
peace, and His goodness in hard places. I also hope that this is a
place in which I can take you along on some of my upcoming adventures
because – I'm moving to Chicago!
Anyway. If you've
read this far and understood any of my ramblings, then I admire your
patience and mental tenacity, friend.
Hope to see you
around and touch base again soon!
Love always,
Lindsey-Renee
