Happy Weekend, friends!
In shame, I am forced
to admit to you all that, despite my best and initial intentions to
blog at least once a week, I'll probably blog the same way I journal.
Now, before you run
for the hills and/or exit your browser to avoid hearing about every
boy I've ever had a crush on, relax! I don't intend to duplicate
the topics about which I journal. Rather, the frequency at which I
blog will probably mimic the frequency at which I journal – which
is inconsistent at best. No matter how many journal entries I close
with, “I'm tired now, but I promise I'll write again
soon/tomorrow/this week to finish giving you details,” I end up
fulfilling my promise four-ish months later.
There.
Now you've learned two things:
- I do, on occasion, journal about boys.
- I feel a need to justify my inconsistent blogger behavior.
And
now that we've got the particulars out of the way, I have another
confession to make: I've been a plastic surgeon for most of my life.
Grant
me grace one more time while I endeavor to explain.
During my earlier school years, I had very few friends. I tried incessantly to make friends. But at the private school I attended at the time, no one wanted to be friends with the girl who got good grades, bought her clothing used, and was never picked first for kickball. I was lonely, I felt rejected, and I was desperate for a change. When I started high school, I was determined to fit in. Fitting in was like a finicky fire, however, one that needed to be constantly stoked and fanned if I wanted it to continue burning.
Terrified of failing and being friendless again, I was willing to remake myself to achieve approval. Success meant being known and accepted, and I longed for that.
It
was then that I became a plastic surgeon, carving away pieces of my
personality and stitching on new ones that didn't match the original
design. I tried to be funnier, bubblier, less smart, more
fashionable. I only associated with the popular kids; bought new,
trendy clothes; and didn't let anyone know I was a straight “A”
student.
Predictably,
the harder I strove for acceptance, the more dissatisfied I became
with myself. I was a chronic compare-er, and in my eyes I never
measured up. I have never felt a shame or sadness deeper than I did when I was trying to remake myself into someone God never intended me to be.
This,
friends, is my “thorn in the flesh,” the weakness that takes hold
of me over and over, the one that I battle again and again and again:
I struggle to feel like I have real worth and identity secure in the
Maker of the Universe. It crops up in every area of my life and is
especially prevalent when I'm feeling sad, stressed, or facing
unknowns I can't control. It's in those times when I push
and prod and stretch my appearance, my performance, my attempts to
please others, and even my spiritual life.
I
strive in this way because it gives me a feeling of significance,
self-worth, and personal value. In his book The Search for
Significance, Dr. Robert S. McGee states that humans seek
approval in two main ways: Compulsiveness, which typically manifests
itself in perfectionism and avoidance of failure, or striving to
please others; and Withdrawal, which often looks a lot like
self-condemnation and a belief that we're losers and can't change.
The problem? Those are all lies!
We have inherent value that the disapproval and diminution of this world can't remove because we've been purchased and redeemed by the blood of Christ. God adopts us as His children! The thing is, Satan, God's enemy, likes to tell us lies that make us question who God says He is and who He says we are. He likes to steal away the new identities God's gifted to us because it prevents us from knowing God fully.
When we begin to base our worth on things that make us feel good about ourselves, or conversely, on our failures, we base our identities on lies. I know from personal experience that's a dangerous habit, guys.
Identity is like a foundation from which everything else flows; who we are
affects how we live. Do you ever have days where you mentally and
emotionally beat yourself up for every mistake you make or have ever
made? Or do you strive to achieve perfection until you burn out
from exhaustion? Perhaps you're a people pleaser and over-commit
yourself until you begin to feel resentful or taken advantage of and
want to withdraw from others. Maybe you define yourself by your
failures, refusing to let go of past sin because neither you nor your
circumstances can change anyway.
Those
are lies. That's slavery. And it's not what God wants for us. God
loves us and wants us to know Him and trust Him. When we value our
own definition of ourselves and our worth more than God's definition
of our identities and worth, we are practicing idolatry, valuing our
own (or another's) opinion, more than God's (Galatians 1:10).
So how does God define us and value us?
- Galatians 4:4-8 – God adopts us as His children and calls us His heirs.
- Ephesians 1:7, 13-14 – He redeems us through the blood of Christ, forgives us, and gives us His Holy Spirit as a pledge of our inheritance.
- 2 Corinthians 5:17 – He gives us new identities!
- Philippians 1:6 – God promises to do a good work in us and to complete it, making us look more like His Son.
- John 3: 16 – He loves us so much He wants an eternal relationship with us. He gave Himself over to death for us.
- John 8:36 – Jesus Christ sets us free!
When
I first realized that I was living life to please others and attain
unattainable perfection, it was like turning on a light that exposed
anew my own need for a Savior. That was several years ago that I
first came face-to-face with the fact that I was living in slavery, but there's never been a time
when I haven't needed Him. As I prepare to move to attend school in
Chicago, I've been struggling again with feeling a lack of
self-worth; it's all-too-easy to find my identity in the approval of
people I've known all my life and the loving community I have here in
Vancouver.
I
usually find it difficult to share things I'm struggling with, but I'm telling you
for two reasons, (neither of which is to make you feel guilty in any
way):
The
first is that we know from Ephesians 5:13 that we ought to expose
our sin and bring it out into the light so it loses its hold on us.
Satan wants us to keep such things secret because secrets like that
isolate us and hold us in bondage. James 5:16 adds that exposing our
sin is a first step in the process of healing from it and gives
others the opportunity to pray for us and help us as we overcome sin
in our lives.
Secondly,
I think we're all plastic surgeons in one way or another. One of the
most beautiful things about the Church, the Body of Christ, is we can
learn from each other and encourage one another toward Christ.
My
encouragement to you is to examine your heart and listen to the way
that you talk to yourself. Ask God to, by His Spirit, search your heart and lay it bare and reveal the ways you may be continuing to live in slavery. Are you defining yourself by one (or more)
of Satan's lies? Or is your identity founded on Christ?
Jesus
sets us free for freedom. He doesn't set us free so we can
return to living in any kind of bondage. It sounds so simple, but to live it
brings such joy and peace and hope, friends! It doesn't make life
circumstances easier; we live in a broken world. But it gives us a
hope that extends beyond life's circumstances. To live truly knowing
that we are secure because we are God's unique creations is true
freedom.
Of
course, knowing truth and trusting truth enough to live it are two
different things, and living it's a whole lot harder. Next time, I'd
like to share with you some of the things God's been teaching me
about trust.
I
promise to write back more promptly than I would were this blog
actually my journal.
Until
then, enjoy this coming week, friends!
Yours,
Lindsey
