Some News from a New Place

     Hello, long-lost friends! 
    
     I've missed you, and I apologize for being radio silent since August. I'm living in Chicago at the moment though (weird!), and it's taken me a bit to settle into a routine here and carve out enough time to write anything beyond research papers and scribbled due dates in my planner and notebook margins. However, although life remains busy, it's manageable enough to allow me a Saturday morning to re-connect with you and process through this transition. 

     At the risk of sounding selfish, I will admit writing this morning is as much about me as it is about you. By this I mean that, because days have been utterly busy and exhausting lately, I feel as if I've had no time to process and think through everything that has changed and everything I'm learning. However, although writing is fulfilling two purposes here for me, I hope and pray that reading will be an encouragement to you and a reminder of God's faithfulness because He has been and continues to be so faithful.

     So without further ado, let's share life together. (Side note: Currently, I'm wrapped in a blanket, sipping coffee while sunshine streams through my window, and feeling very cozy indeed on this fall morning. You should try it! Put your pajamas back on, and make yourself a cup of coffee or tea. If you're in Washington, try to find some sunshine. Your body and soul will thank you, and let's face it -- stories are so much more fun when you feel cozy).

Part One: What I'm Doing

     Almost two months ago, I arrived safely in Chicago, but I feel as if I've been here much longer.

A glorious sunrise just before we landed in Chicago.

     The first couple weeks here were hard. In the weeks leading up to leaving home, I'd been doing my best to spend every moment with family and friends. I prepared my heart as well as I could to say goodbye to people I've known and loved for all 19 years of my existence. But oh man. Goodbyes were so much more than I anticipated, friends. I cried more than I have in years, but through tears, I saw God's grace and blessing. 

     Although I was filled with a heart-wrenching, gut-aching sadness, I also experienced total peace about my decision to leave home for Moody Bible Institute and was filled with gratitude for the opportunity; tears were indicators of God's blessings because they meant I have dear friends and wonderful family. To those of you I've known for years: I thank God for you! You've encouraged me all my life, and you continue to encourage me from a distance. Thank you!

    I didn't anticipate how difficult it would be to transition from living amidst a community of deep relationships, to living in a place I'd never visited before, where I knew no one. To start fresh in every single relationship felt very lonely at first. My mom helped me move in, though, and what a comfort it was to have her here. 

We visited Giordano's and tried Chicago-style deep-dish pizza for the first time!

     Whew. This is starting to sound gloomy; I don't want to give anyone a false impression by saying I had the best attitude in my first two weeks here because I spent much of those weeks questioning whether I had somehow misinterpreted God's will. And man did I miss friends from home. 

     But I love it here! 

     In His grace, God has answered my smallest prayers, shown me the futility of my worries, and comforted me in my sadness. In just the last two months, He's provided me with friends! They are friends who love the Lord and daily encourage me. I don't feel lonely anymore. We've been doing all sorts of things together:

We get coffee and do homework together.

We get coffee and talk and laugh together.

We go to the Chicago Jazz Festival together. So groovy.

     Additionally, I joined a praise and worship team here. And guys, I've been playing football! A few weeks ago I even intercepted the ball. Now, lest I become prideful, I should probably add this was an all-girls intramural flag football game. And after I made said interception, I turned and bolted down the field and almost scored a touchdown – for the opposing team. In horror and terrified confusion I realized my mistake and about-faced to run the correct direction, but my hesitation cost me the ball and my flag.

These are some of the girls with whom I live and play football. We won our first game last weekend because we braved the frigid weather -- and because the other team forfeited.

My beautiful roommate, Annie, is on the left. We jumped in Lake Michigan after our first game (back in August when it was still 90 degrees).

     I'm enjoying making new friends and experiencing new things together. I also love my classes, especially the Bible courses I'm taking about church doctrine, Old Testament, and spiritual life/community. Even having grown up in the church, I continue to be surprised by how much I didn't know about the Bible, or understood incompletely. I'm a total nerd, but I love learning!

Part Two: What I'm Learning

    I mentioned previously that I haven't had hardly any time to process lately; I really meant that. I have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head right now, so allow me to warn you in advance: this could get hairy.  I'm sorry for any confusion or head-scratching I may cause you.

     Also, many of these concepts aren't conclusions I've arrived at on my own. Instead, I'm just trying to synthesize and connect truths I'm learning in classes and in life, from people much wiser than I.

     In the last year I've repeatedly pondered (pun intended) the concepts of identity and worship in an attempt to better understand them because I'm dissatisfied with the definitions I've grown up hearing and experiencing in culture. I feel like, between the introspection and prayer that are accompanying living on my own for the first time, and the wisdom of my professors, I'm learning things about myself and about God that I've never experienced before. I feel like I'm on the brink of getting some answers. 

• Identity I've blogged about a bit previously. Ultimately, our identities are not in ourselves, but in Christ and who He says we are. What I've struggled with is how to live out this knowledge practically.
• Worship is something I'm passionate about, and for that reason I've wanted to understand what exactly it is for a while. I've helped "lead worship" at my church in Washington for a number of years, and I love it. Playing music that praises God is so much fun! However, I've been repeatedly troubled by the lack of purpose and sincerity I've witnessed among myself and others. Why do we worship on Sundays? Playing music on its own seems like an inadequate reason to for which to stall our church services. Why do we so often focus more on the music than on the God to Whom we sing? 

    One reason, I think, is because we've misdefined, or forgotten the true definition of worship, and it's not music. Worship is glorifying God, and it should encompass our lives, not just our Sunday mornings. But how do we do that practically?

     What I'm learning lately is that identity and worship are inseparably linked. 

     At its core, worship is recognition of Who God Is and who we are in light of Him. Worship is living a life marked by an understanding of our identities and an awe for God's identity.

     To truly understand who God is and who we are produces humility because we can't help but feel unworthy of God and overwhelmingly thankful for His grace in accepting us. However, true humility also recognizes the unique callings and abilities God's given us. It is, as one of my professors put it, "not hatred of self, but hatred of sin and a belief that God gives us our worth. It's not a source of despair, but of freedom." 

     Humility leads to freedom because it mandates dependence on God, rather than on our own strength. When I'm attempting to live in my own strength, insecurity reigns. The pride of living by my own strength worries what others think and holds me in bondage to comparison, fear, and anxiety. 

     A humble heart that depends on God frees me from those things because it allows me to submit to God and abide in Him. When I abide in God, I am dependent, constantly aware of His presence, continually praying, and my life bears the fruits of that. 

   What I've been grappling with lately is how I utilize this knowledge. How do I, in humility, submit myself to God, claim the freedom He offers me, and live like I know I have worth because of who God says I am? How do I live a life that worships God?

    I'm finding it's really easy to keep on reinventing the same patterns I've lived with all my life. Perfectionism and legalism and busy-ness are much easier than submission and worship.  I have trouble progressing from knowing these things in my head, to living a life changed by that knowledge.

     But guess what, guys! I'm starting to get the answer! It's one of those things that's so simple in concept I don't know why it took me so long to grasp it:

The Holy Spirit.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you," (Romans 8:11).

    Did you catch that? It took me a few tries. The Spirit of God, the One Who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in us! The reason I have a hard time submitting and worshiping and claiming the freedom of Christ is, once again, because I'm striving to depend on God by my own strength. What a contradiction. It's the Holy Spirit Who enables me to live in freedom, gives me strength and allows me to live by it, pours out hope in my heart, prays in accordance with God's will for me when I can't find the words to pray. He is continually remaking me and transforming me to live a life of worship that looks more like Christ's.

     If we belong to Christ, we have the Spirit. He is our present hope and our assurance of future life and glory. What I'm trying to do now is to ask God for a greater awareness of His Spirit and Presence at work in my life, and He's been showing me His hand in all areas of my life. This has begun to change everything for me, and I'm experiencing in abundance God's comfort and peace.

    I've pretty much reached the end of my musings for now, friends. If you've read this far you are truly a trooper and a gem. I pray that this day finds you well!

-- Lindsey 

Learning, Re-Learning, and Re-Re-Learning

Butterflies are alive and well in my stomach, guys. In fact, I'm pretty sure they're devouring my intestinal tract.

 

Right at this very moment I'm sitting in the Portland airport, and in little less than an hour, my mom and I will be aboard a red-eye flight to Chicago, where I will be attending school for the next three-and-a-half years.

I still have difficulty believing this is really happening; it's so far outside my comfort zone and so contrary to everything I've ever planned education-wise. I've always been studious, and for as long as I can remember, I planned to attend college as soon as I finished high school. In fact, my plan right now is really not my plan at all. Thanks to a dual-enrollment program, I graduated high school in June 2013 with my high school diploma and my associate's degree. I was enrolled in a state university with a nationally acclaimed journalism program. My associate's degree would transfer fully, and I would earn my bachelor's degree in two years.

But then in the spring of my senior year I began to feel unsettled, and after visiting the school I'd enrolled in, I felt physically ill from anxiety at the thought of attending there. I lacked the Lord's peace about my decision.

But I pressed on.

And then in March of that year I received my financial aid award, and there was no way I could afford to attend the college in which I'd already enrolled. Frantically, I canceled my enrollment and applied to three local Christian schools. I was admitted, but I'd missed the deadlines for the greatest scholarships. I couldn't afford to attend school in fall 2013. I prayed about it, talked with my parents and close friends, and in the end I decided to take a gap year. Although a major deviation from what I'd always planned and wanted, it made sense financially; I also felt peace about my decision, this time.

Although I've been out of school for more than a year now, it's been a year filled with learning and discovery.

God's revealed to me my identity, secure in Him.

He gave me the opportunity to work with high school girls and the youth worship team at my church, one of the most fun and meaningful experiences I've ever had.

He re-directed my career goals and re-shaped my heart and priorities to more accurately align with His plans for my life.

He's answered my prayers seeking His will in where I should attend college. After 11 college applications, 11 acceptances, 5 school visits, and prayers and tears and doubts too numerous to count, God has led me to the one school I didn't apply to (until after the deadline in March). It's also the school in one of the only cities in which I said I would never live, the only school at which I'll be pursuing a career that I said I would never pursue, the only school that won't accept more than one semester of my transfer credits, the only school where my admittance wasn't based on academic merit.

Not having a plan – or rather, not having my plan – typically causes me to panic. Any kind of change, however insignificant, throws me into a tailspin of worry and fear. My stomach burns, my shoulders tense, my hands get cold and clammy. This transition has been different though in that, to my continual astonishment, I haven't panicked yet. God is so faithful to grant us His peace that surpasses understanding and comprehension when we are walking in His will. And walking in His will is such an exciting place to be, friends!

This year God's taught me how to truly place my trust in Him. It's a lesson I've learned, re-learned, and re-re-learned this year, and I'm still learning it. Even now as I wait to board, my cheeks are still damp with tears from saying goodbyes to friends and family; fear whispers at the corners of my mind and threatens to overwhelm me; my flight is an hour late. However, I am choosing to trust in the Lord to provide for my needs and go before me to Chicago. It helps me to write to you all about the practical characteristics of trust God's been revealing to me this year. A few of them follow:

• Trust is not a feeling. It's a choice, in spite of our feelings, to believe that God is good, and His plans are always for our good and His glory.
• Trust often goes hand-in-hand with grace. I rely heavily on my feelings and intuition to make decisions. For that reason, choosing to trust is not something that comes naturally to me. God is so gracious with me though; He knows that I am dust and that, although I struggle, I love Him and want to trust Him.
• When we are trusting while we wait for Him to provide answers and meet our needs, it's important that we continue to actively seek Him and actively wait. By “actively wait,” I really mean “live.” I find it all too easy to grow despondent and discouraged while I'm waiting, and I start to tell myself lies like, “Once such-and-such happens, life will really start again,” and “When I get there, I can be happy again.” Much of life, however, is spent waiting on something, and we need to seek God, seek His will, and invest well in relationships with others no matter what life stage we're inhabiting.
• Like grace, gratitude is a close relative of trust, except that while grace is God's gift to us, gratitude is our response to Him. When I take note of taken-for-granted things and consciously thank God for them, it's incredible how much abler I am to recognize that I do nothing on my own, and how much abler I am to trust and rely on God's strength instead of my own.

Praise God who completes us at our weakest, accepts us in our doubt, and loves us at our darkest!

The butterflies in my stomach have partnered with my feelings and emotions and are currently wreaking havoc on my heart, friends. I am already missing those of you I said goodbye to in Vancouver. Simultaneously, I am so excited to make new friends and start a new education and adventure in Chicago! If you think of it, please pray that I would continue to trust God in this transition.

We're about to board. Gulp. See you on the flip side, Washington!

Lindsey-Renee

Identity Theft

Happy Weekend, friends!

     In shame, I am forced to admit to you all that, despite my best and initial intentions to blog at least once a week, I'll probably blog the same way I journal.

     Now, before you run for the hills and/or exit your browser to avoid hearing about every boy I've ever had a crush on, relax! I don't intend to duplicate the topics about which I journal. Rather, the frequency at which I blog will probably mimic the frequency at which I journal – which is inconsistent at best. No matter how many journal entries I close with, “I'm tired now, but I promise I'll write again soon/tomorrow/this week to finish giving you details,” I end up fulfilling my promise four-ish months later.

     There. Now you've learned two things:

1. I do, on occasion, journal about boys.
2. I feel a need to justify my inconsistent blogger behavior.

     And now that we've got the particulars out of the way, I have another confession to make: I've been a plastic surgeon for most of my life.

     Grant me grace one more time while I endeavor to explain.

     During my earlier school years, I had very few friends. I tried incessantly to make friends. But at the private school I attended at the time, no one wanted to be friends with the girl who got good grades, bought her clothing used, and was never picked first for kickball. I was lonely, I felt rejected, and I was desperate for a change. When I started high school, I was determined to fit in. Fitting in was like a finicky fire, however, one that needed to be constantly stoked and fanned if I wanted it to continue burning. 

     Terrified of failing and being friendless again, I was willing to remake myself to achieve approval. Success meant being known and accepted, and I longed for that.

    It was then that I became a plastic surgeon, carving away pieces of my personality and stitching on new ones that didn't match the original design. I tried to be funnier, bubblier, less smart, more fashionable. I only associated with the popular kids; bought new, trendy clothes; and didn't let anyone know I was a straight “A” student.

     Predictably, the harder I strove for acceptance, the more dissatisfied I became with myself. I was a chronic compare-er, and in my eyes I never measured up. I have never felt a shame or sadness deeper than I did when I was trying to remake myself into someone God never intended me to be.

     This, friends, is my “thorn in the flesh,” the weakness that takes hold of me over and over, the one that I battle again and again and again: I struggle to feel like I have real worth and identity secure in the Maker of the Universe. It crops up in every area of my life and is especially prevalent when I'm feeling sad, stressed, or facing unknowns I can't control. It's in those times when I push and prod and stretch my appearance, my performance, my attempts to please others, and even my spiritual life.

     I strive in this way because it gives me a feeling of significance, self-worth, and personal value. In his book The Search for Significance, Dr. Robert S. McGee states that humans seek approval in two main ways: Compulsiveness, which typically manifests itself in perfectionism and avoidance of failure, or striving to please others; and Withdrawal, which often looks a lot like self-condemnation and a belief that we're losers and can't change.

     The problem? Those are all lies!

 
     We have inherent value that the disapproval and diminution of this world can't remove because we've been purchased and redeemed by the blood of Christ. God adopts us as His children! The thing is, Satan, God's enemy, likes to tell us lies that make us question who God says He is and who He says we are. He likes to steal away the new identities God's gifted to us because it prevents us from knowing God fully.

     When we begin to base our worth on things that make us feel good about ourselves, or conversely, on our failures, we base our identities on lies. I know from personal experience that's a dangerous habit, guys.

     Identity is like a foundation from which everything else flows; who we are affects how we live. Do you ever have days where you mentally and emotionally beat yourself up for every mistake you make or have ever made? Or do you strive to achieve perfection until you burn out from exhaustion? Perhaps you're a people pleaser and over-commit yourself until you begin to feel resentful or taken advantage of and want to withdraw from others. Maybe you define yourself by your failures, refusing to let go of past sin because neither you nor your circumstances can change anyway.

     Those are lies. That's slavery. And it's not what God wants for us. God loves us and wants us to know Him and trust Him. When we value our own definition of ourselves and our worth more than God's definition of our identities and worth, we are practicing idolatry, valuing our own (or another's) opinion, more than God's (Galatians 1:10).

     So how does God define us and value us?

• Galatians 4:4-8 – God adopts us as His children and calls us His heirs.
• Ephesians 1:7, 13-14 – He redeems us through the blood of Christ, forgives us, and gives us His Holy Spirit as a pledge of our inheritance.
• 2 Corinthians 5:17 – He gives us new identities!
• Philippians 1:6 – God promises to do a good work in us and to complete it, making us look more like His Son.
• John 3: 16 – He loves us so much He wants an eternal relationship with us. He gave Himself over to death for us.
• John 8:36 – Jesus Christ sets us free!

     When I first realized that I was living life to please others and attain unattainable perfection, it was like turning on a light that exposed anew my own need for a Savior. That was several years ago that I first came face-to-face with the fact that I was living in slavery, but there's never been a time when I haven't needed Him. As I prepare to move to attend school in Chicago, I've been struggling again with feeling a lack of self-worth; it's all-too-easy to find my identity in the approval of people I've known all my life and the loving community I have here in Vancouver.

     I usually find it difficult to share things I'm struggling with, but I'm telling you for two reasons, (neither of which is to make you feel guilty in any way):

     The first is that we know from Ephesians 5:13 that we ought to expose our sin and bring it out into the light so it loses its hold on us. Satan wants us to keep such things secret because secrets like that isolate us and hold us in bondage. James 5:16 adds that exposing our sin is a first step in the process of healing from it and gives others the opportunity to pray for us and help us as we overcome sin in our lives.

     Secondly, I think we're all plastic surgeons in one way or another. One of the most beautiful things about the Church, the Body of Christ, is we can learn from each other and encourage one another toward Christ.

     My encouragement to you is to examine your heart and listen to the way that you talk to yourself. Ask God to, by His Spirit, search your heart and lay it bare and reveal the ways you may be continuing to live in slavery. Are you defining yourself by one (or more) of Satan's lies? Or is your identity founded on Christ?

     Jesus sets us free for freedom. He doesn't set us free so we can return to living in any kind of bondage. It sounds so simple, but to live it brings such joy and peace and hope, friends! It doesn't make life circumstances easier; we live in a broken world. But it gives us a hope that extends beyond life's circumstances. To live truly knowing that we are secure because we are God's unique creations is true freedom.

    Of course, knowing truth and trusting truth enough to live it are two different things, and living it's a whole lot harder. Next time, I'd like to share with you some of the things God's been teaching me about trust.

     I promise to write back more promptly than I would were this blog actually my journal.

     Until then, enjoy this coming week, friends!

     Yours,

     Lindsey

Introductions Are in Order

Salutations!

(I've always hoped to begin a piece of writing with that word. I blame Charlotte).

I've struggled on and off for the past year-and-a-half over the decision to take up blogging. I really enjoy reading blogs, you see, especially blogs whose authors detail their day-to-day existence and share about the things God is teaching them. With so many wise bloggers and fabulous blogs out there, though, I've worried that one written by me would be less than enjoyable for people to read, less than memorable, less wise, barely thought-provoking, rarely humorous.

So what's caused me to change my mind?

Well, God's been teaching me a few things this year. And by “teaching,” I mean I feel like my heart is a home that's been desperately in need of a remodel, and God's the All-in-One Handyman who's been knocking down walls, stripping paint and mildew and grime, tearing up the plumbing, opening up the floor-plan. My heart's been feeling naked and vulnerable, and more than once I've groaned and cried as my eyes have been opened anew to my need for a Savior. Though I am young, I've been walking with Jesus for many years now, but He's always doing a new work in me, continually reconstructing me to be more of the woman He's designed me to be and to ultimately look more like Him.

All this to say, one of the things He's revealed to me this year, as He's torn down my heart and begun to reconstruct it to more accurately reflect His, is that the worries I've felt about beginning a blog are actually not isolated to blogging. I worry all the time, friends, and that's really not an exaggeration. Much of this is because I'm a perfectionist. Sometimes, this translates into some of my greatest strengths: I'm a hard worker, I devote my best effort to every endeavor, and I'm driven. However, I am also terrified of failure. Those of you who have read the Harry Potter series can understand me as Hermione Granger; one of the reasons I enjoy that series so much is because I feel so understood when I read about Hermione.

(Note: I promise this will tie back to blogging eventually! I'm a woman of many words).

For those of you who haven't read Harry Potter, know that for most of my life I've striven for 100 percent perfection in every area of my life, often to my own physical and mental detriment. I've never expected perfection from others by any means, but I've sought perfect grades in school, exemplary work in my job, peace in all my relationships. Historically, my fear of failure has worked hand-in-hand with a concern for how others will perceive me. I've lived most of my life feeling everyday physically unattractive, mentally undesirable, totally unloveable.

But over the last three years, God's been revealing, one by one, each of these lies I've been listening to and, one by one, replacing them with His truth. This year has been filled with hardship and struggle, but beyond all that it's been overwhelmingly FULL of God's goodness and blessings. The construction in my heart that has left me feeling vulnerable has also left me feeling freer and more at peace than I can remember ever feeling. I praise God who makes broken things beautiful, and thank Jesus who sets me free indeed!

Until recently, I've felt unprepared and unequipped to share what I've been learning with you all, except with a few of you individually. However, I've been remembering lately that Jesus chose uneducated fishermen and socially despised tax collectors to be some of His closest friends and chosen messengers of the Gospel. He worked through them to further His Kingdom, and He can work through me, too. So that's why I've decided to blog. If I continue to be inhibited to speak what's on my heart because of the fear of failing and having people think less of me, then I am ultimately valuing the opinion of humans more than the opinion of God. That's idolatry, and I refuse to practice it anymore.

In the coming months, I'd like to share a little bit with you about what God's been teaching me about waiting, pride, ministry, preparation, priorities, relationships, fear, control, worry and letting go, fatigue and rest, peace, and His goodness in hard places. I also hope that this is a place in which I can take you along on some of my upcoming adventures because – I'm moving to Chicago!

Anyway. If you've read this far and understood any of my ramblings, then I admire your patience and mental tenacity, friend.

Hope to see you around and touch base again soon!

Love always,

Lindsey-Renee