Some News from a New Place

     Hello, long-lost friends! 
    
     I've missed you, and I apologize for being radio silent since August. I'm living in Chicago at the moment though (weird!), and it's taken me a bit to settle into a routine here and carve out enough time to write anything beyond research papers and scribbled due dates in my planner and notebook margins. However, although life remains busy, it's manageable enough to allow me a Saturday morning to re-connect with you and process through this transition. 

     At the risk of sounding selfish, I will admit writing this morning is as much about me as it is about you. By this I mean that, because days have been utterly busy and exhausting lately, I feel as if I've had no time to process and think through everything that has changed and everything I'm learning. However, although writing is fulfilling two purposes here for me, I hope and pray that reading will be an encouragement to you and a reminder of God's faithfulness because He has been and continues to be so faithful.

     So without further ado, let's share life together. (Side note: Currently, I'm wrapped in a blanket, sipping coffee while sunshine streams through my window, and feeling very cozy indeed on this fall morning. You should try it! Put your pajamas back on, and make yourself a cup of coffee or tea. If you're in Washington, try to find some sunshine. Your body and soul will thank you, and let's face it -- stories are so much more fun when you feel cozy).

Part One: What I'm Doing

     Almost two months ago, I arrived safely in Chicago, but I feel as if I've been here much longer.

A glorious sunrise just before we landed in Chicago.

     The first couple weeks here were hard. In the weeks leading up to leaving home, I'd been doing my best to spend every moment with family and friends. I prepared my heart as well as I could to say goodbye to people I've known and loved for all 19 years of my existence. But oh man. Goodbyes were so much more than I anticipated, friends. I cried more than I have in years, but through tears, I saw God's grace and blessing. 

     Although I was filled with a heart-wrenching, gut-aching sadness, I also experienced total peace about my decision to leave home for Moody Bible Institute and was filled with gratitude for the opportunity; tears were indicators of God's blessings because they meant I have dear friends and wonderful family. To those of you I've known for years: I thank God for you! You've encouraged me all my life, and you continue to encourage me from a distance. Thank you!

    I didn't anticipate how difficult it would be to transition from living amidst a community of deep relationships, to living in a place I'd never visited before, where I knew no one. To start fresh in every single relationship felt very lonely at first. My mom helped me move in, though, and what a comfort it was to have her here. 

We visited Giordano's and tried Chicago-style deep-dish pizza for the first time!

     Whew. This is starting to sound gloomy; I don't want to give anyone a false impression by saying I had the best attitude in my first two weeks here because I spent much of those weeks questioning whether I had somehow misinterpreted God's will. And man did I miss friends from home. 

     But I love it here! 

     In His grace, God has answered my smallest prayers, shown me the futility of my worries, and comforted me in my sadness. In just the last two months, He's provided me with friends! They are friends who love the Lord and daily encourage me. I don't feel lonely anymore. We've been doing all sorts of things together:

We get coffee and do homework together.

We get coffee and talk and laugh together.

We go to the Chicago Jazz Festival together. So groovy.

     Additionally, I joined a praise and worship team here. And guys, I've been playing football! A few weeks ago I even intercepted the ball. Now, lest I become prideful, I should probably add this was an all-girls intramural flag football game. And after I made said interception, I turned and bolted down the field and almost scored a touchdown – for the opposing team. In horror and terrified confusion I realized my mistake and about-faced to run the correct direction, but my hesitation cost me the ball and my flag.

These are some of the girls with whom I live and play football. We won our first game last weekend because we braved the frigid weather -- and because the other team forfeited.

My beautiful roommate, Annie, is on the left. We jumped in Lake Michigan after our first game (back in August when it was still 90 degrees).

     I'm enjoying making new friends and experiencing new things together. I also love my classes, especially the Bible courses I'm taking about church doctrine, Old Testament, and spiritual life/community. Even having grown up in the church, I continue to be surprised by how much I didn't know about the Bible, or understood incompletely. I'm a total nerd, but I love learning!

Part Two: What I'm Learning

    I mentioned previously that I haven't had hardly any time to process lately; I really meant that. I have so many thoughts tumbling around in my head right now, so allow me to warn you in advance: this could get hairy.  I'm sorry for any confusion or head-scratching I may cause you.

     Also, many of these concepts aren't conclusions I've arrived at on my own. Instead, I'm just trying to synthesize and connect truths I'm learning in classes and in life, from people much wiser than I.

     In the last year I've repeatedly pondered (pun intended) the concepts of identity and worship in an attempt to better understand them because I'm dissatisfied with the definitions I've grown up hearing and experiencing in culture. I feel like, between the introspection and prayer that are accompanying living on my own for the first time, and the wisdom of my professors, I'm learning things about myself and about God that I've never experienced before. I feel like I'm on the brink of getting some answers. 

• Identity I've blogged about a bit previously. Ultimately, our identities are not in ourselves, but in Christ and who He says we are. What I've struggled with is how to live out this knowledge practically.
• Worship is something I'm passionate about, and for that reason I've wanted to understand what exactly it is for a while. I've helped "lead worship" at my church in Washington for a number of years, and I love it. Playing music that praises God is so much fun! However, I've been repeatedly troubled by the lack of purpose and sincerity I've witnessed among myself and others. Why do we worship on Sundays? Playing music on its own seems like an inadequate reason to for which to stall our church services. Why do we so often focus more on the music than on the God to Whom we sing? 

    One reason, I think, is because we've misdefined, or forgotten the true definition of worship, and it's not music. Worship is glorifying God, and it should encompass our lives, not just our Sunday mornings. But how do we do that practically?

     What I'm learning lately is that identity and worship are inseparably linked. 

     At its core, worship is recognition of Who God Is and who we are in light of Him. Worship is living a life marked by an understanding of our identities and an awe for God's identity.

     To truly understand who God is and who we are produces humility because we can't help but feel unworthy of God and overwhelmingly thankful for His grace in accepting us. However, true humility also recognizes the unique callings and abilities God's given us. It is, as one of my professors put it, "not hatred of self, but hatred of sin and a belief that God gives us our worth. It's not a source of despair, but of freedom." 

     Humility leads to freedom because it mandates dependence on God, rather than on our own strength. When I'm attempting to live in my own strength, insecurity reigns. The pride of living by my own strength worries what others think and holds me in bondage to comparison, fear, and anxiety. 

     A humble heart that depends on God frees me from those things because it allows me to submit to God and abide in Him. When I abide in God, I am dependent, constantly aware of His presence, continually praying, and my life bears the fruits of that. 

   What I've been grappling with lately is how I utilize this knowledge. How do I, in humility, submit myself to God, claim the freedom He offers me, and live like I know I have worth because of who God says I am? How do I live a life that worships God?

    I'm finding it's really easy to keep on reinventing the same patterns I've lived with all my life. Perfectionism and legalism and busy-ness are much easier than submission and worship.  I have trouble progressing from knowing these things in my head, to living a life changed by that knowledge.

     But guess what, guys! I'm starting to get the answer! It's one of those things that's so simple in concept I don't know why it took me so long to grasp it:

The Holy Spirit.

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you," (Romans 8:11).

    Did you catch that? It took me a few tries. The Spirit of God, the One Who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in us! The reason I have a hard time submitting and worshiping and claiming the freedom of Christ is, once again, because I'm striving to depend on God by my own strength. What a contradiction. It's the Holy Spirit Who enables me to live in freedom, gives me strength and allows me to live by it, pours out hope in my heart, prays in accordance with God's will for me when I can't find the words to pray. He is continually remaking me and transforming me to live a life of worship that looks more like Christ's.

     If we belong to Christ, we have the Spirit. He is our present hope and our assurance of future life and glory. What I'm trying to do now is to ask God for a greater awareness of His Spirit and Presence at work in my life, and He's been showing me His hand in all areas of my life. This has begun to change everything for me, and I'm experiencing in abundance God's comfort and peace.

    I've pretty much reached the end of my musings for now, friends. If you've read this far you are truly a trooper and a gem. I pray that this day finds you well!

-- Lindsey