God, Thank You for Making Me Weak.

Greetings, friends, and a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to you!

I've been home for about three-and-a-half weeks now, and boy has it been glorious.

And by "glorious," I literally mean it's been indicative of God's glory:

Hiking the ridgeline on the Eagle Creek trail in Oregon.

Multnomah Falls, a popular tourist spot in the Columbia River Gorge.

Here, among the trees, surrounded by mountains, where birds chirp, where rain pounds until the pale winter sun breaks through formidable clouds, I am home. I feel safe, I feel comfortable, I feel known, I am cared for, I'm not alone. I see God's glory strikingly showcased in nature so beautiful I feel as if I'm living in a fairyland; it's absolutely unreal. And that's why, as excited as I am to head back to school Sunday morning, I feel like I have to rip a few of my guts out in order to board my plane and leave.

Don't get me wrong -- I love school! I enjoy Chicago. I love my brothers and sisters who await me there, and I'm looking forward to learning alongside them. But there's something about being on my own in a big city that leaves me feeling a little more vulnerable than playing outdoors with other Washington hippies.

What I'm learning right now though is that God gives me easy things and hard things, and I must thank Him for both. He's helping me do that by reminding me that I am His and that He values me. Over the last few months, I've heard His voice more clearly than I have at any other point in my life, and He's been telling me who I am.

In the midst of my desire to please Him perfectly and make Him proud, He comforts me with His peace and whispers to my heart, "You're my daughter. I am proud of you."

When I'm feeling most shaky and insecure, He tells me, "I made you. I think you're beautiful."

And when I feel like there's nothing in me that could ever make Him happy, when I feel alone and unlovely, I've heard Him say, "I like you."

My Father keeps reminding me that He's the one who made everything about me -- including my limitations. If He created me without those, I wouldn't be remotely human; I'd be god. I know that if He designed me to have limits, then my limitations are meant for good because God's creation is good. He is the Giver of good gifts. However, in my sin I can distort what He meant for good and turn it into something detrimental in how I choose to acknowledge my limitations. So I'm learning that the right response is to thank God for my weaknesses, just as I would any other gift He gives me.

Satan tries to use our weaknesses against us by attacking us in those areas he knows we're vulnerable. But by thanking God for our limitations, we transform vulnerabilities from opportunites for harm into opportunities to trust/rely on/run to Him. In limitations, weaknesses, neediness, and hurt, we have opportunity to trust God when He tells us He is good and sovereign. We have the chance to trust what He says about our identities.

By thanking God, I acknowledge my neediness and His provision. I acknowledge my lack of control. The dependence and reliance fostered by thankfulness bring me to the feet of Jesus with open hands and a softened heart.

When I thank God for my weaknesses, I feel my love for Him abound more and more because I know anew my need for Him. I long for Him, as a deer pants for water. I cling to Him because in a world where I feel constantly barraged by all sorts of change and turmoil and circumstances that make my knees knock, only my Lord is constant and unchanging.

I long for Him imperfectly, of course. But the more I thank God for my limitations, the greater freedom I experience to not expect perfection or strength from myself, the more His joy (which is my strength!) floods my heart, and the more His peace reminds me I am allowed (and expected) to cease striving and trust Almighty God.

In these moments I find myself more willing to accept His blessing because I know nothing I do will ever make me worthy of the gifts He showers upon me. It's only  because of His grace (upon grace upon grace upon grace) that I receive any good thing at all. And I trust that He delights to give me good gifts because He delights in me... He delights in me! Oh, friends, the happiness that fills my heart when I truly believe this -- it's overwhelming!  The All-Powerful God who created all the people and places I delight in, delights in me, and because of this, I delight in Him. I no longer feel the need to sabotage His blessing or refuse His gifts and provision, but rather I am able to thank Him from a sincere heart that worships and loves my God who loves me.

That's why, as much as I adore my home in Vancouver, I'm ready for Chicago again because I rely most fully on God when I'm uncomfortable. Discomfort and vulnerability highlight my weaknesses and limitations. My limitations, in turn, highlight His greatness, fullness, and strength.

As Emperor Kuzco would say, "Bring it on."